In September of 2003, a piercing pain in my side sent me to my doctor's office. When she told me I was pregnant I burst into tears, because I knew something was very wrong. Within a half hour of my ultrasound I was being prepped for surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured my fallopian tube and caused internal bleeding. It was outpatient surgery, and the physical pain subsided quickly. The emotional pain did not. I was completely blindsided by a grief that seemed to overtake every part of me. It was a long journey out of that place.
Since then, I have watched several close friends navigate through the intense emotions of miscarriage and stillbirth. I have watched them say goodbye to precious babies who they never got to know but who are beloved, none the less.
Research suggests that as many as 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy loss. It happens all around us. What if it happens to you?
- Be kind to yourself. Try not to have expectations for yourself of how you *should* feel or react. You might not cry, you might cry a lot. Give yourself lots of grace.
- Seek out a safe space to share your feelings. This might be a support group (see below), counseling, or a trusted friend or mentor. If you are part of a faith community, see what programs are available for grief and loss. Your OB/GYN can also direct you toward resources in the community.
- Be honest with friends, family, and your partner about your journey and your needs. Try to remember that they are grieving your loss, too, even if their reactions are very different than yours.
- Know that even if time does not heal all wounds, in time you will learn to live with your loss. You will never forget, but you can carry on.
How can you support a friend through pregnancy loss?
- Acknowledge the loss. If you're not sure what to say, just say, "I'm sorry, and I'm holding you in my thoughts." Put the date in your calendar, so you can also recognize the anniversary of the loss. If you know the expected due date, remember that time as well. Flower and cards are nice, but even a simple phone call or a text tell your friend that you care.
- It's not your job to try to justify the loss or fix the hurt. Avoid saying things like, "I know how you feel...", "You'll have other children...", "Be thankful for the children you have...", "You'll get over this...", or "It was God's plan..."
- Don't worry about upsetting your friend by bringing up her loss. She hasn't forgotten. Take her lead as to how much she wants to share. It will bring her comfort to know that someone is remembering her baby. It is most hurtful to pretend it never happened.
- If you can, offer to do something specific. Saying, "Let me know what I can do..." puts the burden on her. Instead, ask, "Can I bring you lunch on Thursday?" "Can I pick up your daughter from preschool?" "Want to join me for a pedicure?"
- Know that grief can be yucky. Your friend will be changed by this experience, and some days the changes may not seem all that nice. Do your best to love her through it.
Resources for pregnancy loss:
-Posted by Molly Hagkull (a.k.a. Miss Molly)
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